<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>ease my mind by midoesthewritingthing</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24828946">ease my mind</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/midoesthewritingthing/pseuds/midoesthewritingthing'>midoesthewritingthing</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Politician (TV 2019)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Blood, Crying, Cuddling &amp; Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, River Barkley Lives, Suicide Attempt, it's probbaly a bit ooc hhh</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 04:15:42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,662</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24828946</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/midoesthewritingthing/pseuds/midoesthewritingthing</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Payton has a vivid nightmare.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>River Barkley/Payton Hobart</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>41</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>ease my mind</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>oh the joy of writing when you should be sleeping. am i going to use the fact that it's like 1am as an excuse for any mistakes in the fic? absolutely :)<br/>anyways i'm aware payton is probably a bit ooc here, but uh i have... headcanons. enjoy!</p><p>(english isn't my first language)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Something feels off, but Payton can't quite put his finger on what it is. He's standing next to River - they are at River's house, he notices - and they're fighting, but he can't remember what they're fighting about. He can feel his heart beating rapidly in his chest, drowning out the sound of their voices. River is wearing a white shirt, and his face is clouded with something dark, something ominous.</p><p>Payton can feel his own lips moving. He's yelling, what is he yelling about? River replies, but Payton can't register what he's saying. Then River's face scrunches up like his in pain, and Payton's heart aches because he doesn't want River to be in pain. Before he can say something about it the brown-haired boy opens up his mouth, and this time Payton finally manages to make out the words.</p><p>"I'm sorry", River breathes out. "I really did love you."</p><p>Payton feels confused for a second, mostly since River's voice just doesn't sound right. For some reason it fills him with an eerie feeling, like there's icy water in his veins. But before he has any more time to think about it or ask his boyfriend what's going on, River's arm moves and <em>oh my God</em>, Payton thinks, <em>there's a gun.</em></p><p>The sound of a gun going off is rather loud, he notices. Then the realization of what just happened hits him like a fist to the face, and now River's slumping over and falling to the floor, blood oozing from his head. Payton screams, or at least he thinks he does because he can't hear anything. He reaches out for River even though he knows it's too late, he's too late. There's so much blood, how is there so much blood? It's splattered across the wall and the furniture and even his face and Payton doesn't know what to do. His hands are shaking and River is just laying there on the floor, cold and bleeding with empty eyes because he's <em>dead</em>, oh God he is dead, River is dead and gone and Payton can't breathe because River just shot himself in the fucking head and he's gone, he's dead dead <em>dead</em>-</p><p> </p><p>And then he wakes up with a strangled, pained gasp, panic still buzzing through his entire body. He sits up shakily, feeling the sheets stick to his sweaty body which only makes it worse because he feels stuck and he can't be stuck, he needs to get out of bed and help River before he bleeds out.</p><p>But suddenly there's a movement next to him, the other habitant of the bed waking up as well. Payton turns to look to the side, breath still coming out in short gasps. A wave of relief crashes through him when he's met with the sight of River, who's looking at him with a confused expression on his face. River is here. River is <em>alive</em>. </p><p>"Payton?" River interrupts his rapid train of thoughts, sleep still very evident in his voice. "Something wrong?"</p><p>Looking at his boyfriend, Payton does his very best to reply but manages nothing but choking out a distressed sob. Immediately the other boy seems more awake, pushing himself up into a sitting position next to him.</p><p>"Hey", he mumbles, reaching out to grab Payton's hand and intertwine their fingers. "You're okay, you're fine. Try to breathe along with me, yeah?"</p><p>"I..." Payton gasps out, holding onto River's hand with all his might, afraid of what could happen if he lets go. "I'm-" The words won't come out right and everything feels messy because what just happened seemed so <em>real</em>.</p><p>River frowns and then carefully leans forward, pulling Payton into a gentle embrace.</p><p>"It's okay", he repeats over and over in a low, soothing voice, rubbing circles into Payton's back. "You're safe, okay? I'm here."</p><p>Payton weakly holds onto the back of River's shirt with one hand, the other still clutching the brown-haired boy's hand like his life depends on it. He rests his head against his boyfriend's shoulder and just tries his best to breathe, focusing on the other boy's scent. <em>This is real<strong>, </strong></em>he reminds himself. <em>This is real and River is here and he's fine, he's here and he's alive</em>. </p><p>They stay like that for a couple of minutes, River whispering comforting words into Payton's ear until his hands don't shake quite as much and his breath is no longer coming out in shallow gasps. The blonde-haired boy pulls away to wipe his eyes and River moves away to give his boyfriend some space.</p><p>"So..." Payton exhales after a few moments of silence. "That was... I'm sorry."</p><p>"Don't apologize", River replies, reaching out to gently touch the other boy's cheek. Payton leans into the touch, letting his eyelids close for a moment. "Do you want to talk about it?"</p><p>The question hangs in the air between them while Payton tries to come up with a good answer. Part of him wants to say no and pretend the whole thing never happened, but he knows that will probably end up doing more harm than good.</p><p>"It's nothing, I just had a weird dream", he finally settles on. "It's stupid, really, I'm just overreac-"</p><p>"No, it's not", River interrupts firmly. "If it bothered you enough to make you this upset, it's clearly more than 'nothing'."</p><p>When Payton bites his lip and doesn't reply River leans back against the pillows, holding his arms out as an invite for Payton to cuddle up against him. So he does, resting his head on River's chest and letting out a contented sigh when the other boy starts playing with his hair.</p><p>"Talk to me?" River asks after a few moments, still running his fingers through Payton's hair.</p><p>"Okay", Payton begins hesitantly. He hates this, hates feeling vulnerable because it makes him look stupid. He knows River doesn't really care, but he loathes being like this, all shaken up and panicky. Plus he can't really speak when he's like this. It's like he just can't form proper sentences, so he ends up rambling away like a God knows what. "I had this dream, right? So... We were at your place, and we were fighting about something, but I couldn't remember what we were fighting about." He pauses, inhaling sharply. "And I could tell that something was off, you know? Something wasn't right, like, there was this eerie feeling to all of it?"</p><p>"Mhm", River replies, and Payton pauses again to make his best attempt at taking a deep breath.</p><p>"Then you looked at me", he continues slowly. "And it was awful because you looked like you were just so sad and in pain, and I didn't know what to do but that didn't really matter because then you moved and you had a gun-"</p><p>Somewhere in the middle of talking his heartbeat started speeding up, and now he suddenly finds it hard to breath again. River seems to notice that too, and carefully moves his hand from Payton's hair to his cheek, gently turning his face up so he can look him in the eye.</p><p>"Just breathe, okay?" he mumbles, stroking his boyfriend's cheek with his thumb. "We're safe. Everything's fine."</p><p>"I- I know", Payton chokes out, blinking back the stupid tears yet another time. "It's- it felt so real-"</p><p>"Breathe", River patiently reminds him. He waits until the blonde-haired boy has inhaled and exhaled a couple times before speaking up again. "I don't know the details of what happened in that dream, but I promise you don't need to worry."</p><p>"I know", Payton repeats in a much steadier voice. "I know, I mean we've talked about this before and I know you know you can talk to me if you ever feel like that again, but still... I'm sorry."</p><p>"Don't be", the other boy says, continuing to rub Payton's cheek with his thumb. "It's not like you can control your dreams. They aren't always rational, you know?"</p><p>"Yeah, I know." Payton is starting to feel like a broken record at this point, the phrase <em>I know I know I know I know</em>repeating itself over and over inside his head. "I just don't like how real it felt. I've never had a dream that felt this real before." </p><p>"Hey." With the hand that isn't touching the other boy's face, River grabs Payton's left hand and holds it against his chest. "Feel my heartbeat?"</p><p>"I... Uh, yeah?" Payton replies, not fully understanding where the brown-haired boy is trying to get with what he's saying.</p><p>"That means I'm fine, right?" River smiles at him. "And I can feel your heartbeat, which means you're fine too. We're both fine right now."</p><p>Payton exhales slowly, closing his eyes while letting River's words sink in. <em>He's right<strong>, </strong></em>he thinks to himself. <em>We're both here and we're fine.</em></p><p>When he opens his eyes he's met with River's warm smile. He forces out a shaky smile of his own, and the other boy pulls him into a tight hug, pressing a kiss just below his ear.</p><p>"I'm not going anywhere", he whispers. "I love you."</p><p>"I love you too", Payton breathes back, returning the hug.</p><p>"I know", River chuckles before pulling away slightly. "Want to try going back to sleep? You need to be at the top of your game for the debate tomorrow."</p><p>"I'm always at the top of my game." Payton narrows his eyes at his boyfriend, who just shakes his head with a soft laugh.</p><p>"Of course", he smiles, shuffling to get back under the covers. Payton follows suit, laying down next to him. A contented sigh escapes his lips when River wraps his arms around him and snuggles into his neck.</p><p>"Good night", he mumbles. River kisses his ear as a reply.</p><p>Payton keeps his eyes open for a couple minutes, just listening to his boyfriend breathing next to him. A car passes by outside. Then he lets his eyelids fluttering close, falling back asleep almost instantly.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>yikes. how do you write words again?<br/>constructive criticism is greatly appreciated </p><p>btw fuck season 2 these two were in love</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>